We went to Kalugusan to celebrate my dad's birthday. And since it was Father's Day too, it was imperative that all his kids are present. We all were, much to my dismay. Yes, I am dismayed. But it was HIS birthday and not mine so I really don't have a say on what goes.
Here is the trail of thoughts I saved in my mobile notes.
It saddens me that your happiness and mine do not lie on the same things. They never did. Your joy causes me pain. We can never be "happy together".
We're celebrating Father's Day. Then why do I feel like an orphan?
I still hate babies. Specifically, three of them.
I suddenly want to die. There is really no indispensable reason not to. The hope of future happiness is the only reason I still breathe. Else, I wouldn't bother. Ha! Suicidal much?!
I totally get why he's cool with the idea despite the circumstances. You practically are in the same situation that's why the both of you don't get it. You have no idea what's it like to be in my shoes. Never will.
Yes. I am jealous. I have every right to be.
This relationship is hopeless. That's why when the opportunity comes, I am leaving... far away from you, far away from them.
{ show } Fuck You by Lily Allen
{ mood } melancholy
I'm home (Basilan) for the weekend since tomorrow is Father's Day and coincidentally, my dad's birthday. How convenient, don't you think?!
The first week of classes just ended and I feel drained. I don't know why.
The family drama is still ongoing. Enough said.
I'm starting to get addicted to Twitter. Follow me.
And I'm still addicted to Facebook. See me.
{ show } House, MD Season 5
{ mood } nothing
Two words to describe recent events: DOMESTIC DRAMA
It's funny, sad and...boring!
After the whole ordeal, I find myself asking: Why should I care?! I just realized that everything that has happened really has nothing to do with me. And since it does't have anything to do with me, it's pointless to keep thinking about it. The anger and resentment I once felt has now changed into annoyance and irritation. I am tired of thinking and feeling about these things. It is really getting old. I'm sick of it.
It's my last year in college (God-willing!) and I have a lot of other important things to worry about like losing weight, 18 and another 22 units of academic subjects to finish, graduation, CPA Board Exam <groan>, and finding a decent job <double groan>.
When will all of this drama end?!
---
For You-Know-Who
No two songs could say what I want to say any better.
Stuck in the Middle by MIKA
I sit and think about the day that you're gonna die,
'Cause your wrinkled eyes betrayed the joy with which you smile.
Care to see my reason?
Care to put your life in mine?
Looking at life from the perspective of a boy girl
Who's learned to love you but has also learned to grow.
Could we make it better, stormy weather,
So I dunno.
Oh, oh, oh - Is there anybody home?
Who will believe me, won't deceive me, won't try to change me?
Ah, ah, ah - Is there anybody home?
Who wants to have me, just to love me?
Stuck in the middle.
I look at you,
You look at me,
We bite each other.
And with your bitter words you kick me in the gutter.
But my troops are bigger than yours
You'll never stand my fight.
Ours is a family that's based upon tradition
But with my careless words I tread upon your vision.
Are five four kids better than one, who'd doesn't like to be gone?
This is who I am,
This ain't a greater plan to break your heart, oh me.
I know that what I've started means that when we have parted
I can live in all this stench.
Please Don't Leave Me by PINK
I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is…broken
Please don’t leave me
Please don’t leave me
I always say how I don’t need you
But it’s always gonna come right back to this
Please, don’t leave me
How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I’ve never been this nasty
Can’t you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don’t mean it
I mean it, I promise
I always say how I don’t need you
But it’s always gonna come right back to this
Please, don’t leave me
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can’t be without, you’re my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I’m sorry.
---
Imaginary Conversation
Z: (talking to SM) She called P a demon. (laughs) I really wanted to shake and ask her, "You just realized that?!"
P: (overhears Z) Excuse me?! Are you implying that I am?
Z: Yes, of course. But don't worry, I still love you.
{ music } Blue Eyes by Mika
{ book } Para Kay B by Ricky Lee
{ show } Atashinchi No Danshi Episode 1
{ mood } cold
"It's bullshit to think of friendship and romance as being different. They're not. They're just variations of the same love. Variations of the same desire to be close."
The thing that I value most in life is friendship. I've met a lot of friends in the past 21 years. The closest ones can be categorized by each school I've attended. There are Pilot friends, National High friends and Ateneo friends. Most of them I've grown attached to and miss all the time.
When I gain friendships, I fall, nay, plummet in it just like what falling in love means to other people. Being with friends make me happy. The truth is, it is the only happiness I know and am sure of.
If friendship is like love, you can also fall out of it but like love, there's always a choice. I'm quite glad that despite some misunderstandings, I've never really broken a friendship. I forgive easily. Friendships are too precious for pride.
"It is not easy. Things that matter are not easy. Feelings of happiness are easy. Happiness is not. Flirting is easy. Love is not. Saying you’re friends is easy. Being friends is not."
Why am I writing this?
Well, most of my friends went off to Manila for CPA Board Review and I really couldn't imagine going to school this coming semester without them. It's weird and sad to think of an Ateneo without the Bears.
But, as I've told to them in response to their messages of missing those of us who are left behind: that's life. We will see each other soon. It's just 6 months. Good luck and God bless!
Friends are not permanent but friendships are. I will miss them terribly but life must go on.
"Friendship is love as much as any romance. And like any love, it’s difficult and treacherous and confusing. But in the moment when your knees touch, there’s nothing else you could ever want."
All quotes are from Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan.
{ mood } lonely
ADZoo, Ai-Love-Amor | say what?
It saddens me how familiar those words are. I hate goodbyes. I hate any sense of finality, that something is over.
But it's time to let go.
I have to.
For my own sake.
Goodbye.
{ book } Fruits Basket Volume 23