Entries for September, 2005

     It's a Muslim Holiday...

     It's Marion Birthday too...

     I went to watch a movie. I chose "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I wasn't able to read the book yet. Looking forward to it though...

     "The Great Raid" is showing too but never mind...

     I love Turkish Doner Kebabs, yummy...

     What am I going to do next?

     ...ruin somebody's life, you think? Ha!

     ...go to a shrink? I really do think I need to.

     ...spend all my allowance? Not an option.

     ...go home and sleep? Nah...

     I'm running out of ideas. There so many things to do. I'm blah...

{ music } Printer
{ book } Pride and Prejudice
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } depressed and lost

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     I will add three serialized journal entries (arghh...), posts to my journal this coming months.

     UnEdit: Essay Scraps --

     Randon Thoughts from the Abyss --

     Quotable Quotes -- 

{ music } --- ---
{ book } --- ---
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } indescribable

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     Another lesson, another task... tsk... tsk...

     How can I write about something I'm not too fond about?

     Relationships is not my type of thing to write about... especially family relationships. My mom is dead. I don't want to linger there anymore so my father is the last resort. I have so many things to say but it's too... i can't explain... i can't express. Damn!

      I wonder what Marion will write about. Father din siguro but we do have the same thing about fathers. But Marion is Marion, he will find something to talk about.

      Well, I'll just have to think of something, an approach of some sort... basta ewan...

{ music } Disco
{ book } --- ---
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } dorky

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     It's my mom's 40 days today. I went to mass and yawned all the time. Sorry, my bad. I just can't help it.

     I wasn't just yawning, I also thought of my essay for the next task. I'm really hooked on the father domestic relationship idea. I don't have any choice. The truth is I do, it's just very... I mean, it will turn out like a soap opera thingy and that's one thing I refuse on doing especially on writing materials.

     I watched, "My Wife is a Gangster". It's so very funny even though I watched it a few times already. I'm looking forward to september 18th, "Love Actually" will be shown in Star Movies.

     I'm making a new blog on BlogDrive. It's address is: http://therunicabyss.blogdrive.com. It has a nice layout which I'll change soon. Hope you keep up on blog hopping. Have a nicer day! 

{ music } --- ---
{ book } Hope for the Flowers
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } rushed

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{ music } --- ---
{ book } Tuck Everlasting
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } crappy

1 hollered back

{ music } --- ---
{ book } Tuck Everlasting
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } relieved

say what?

{ music } --- ---
{ book } Tuck Everlasting
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } silly

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come a little closer 
flicker in flight
we'll have about an inch's space
but i'm here i can breathe in
what you breathe out

let me know if i'm doing this right
let me know if my grip's too tight
let me know if i can stay all of my life
let me know if dreams can come true
let me know if this one's your's too
coz' i see it
and i feel it right here
and i feel you right here

the vacuous night
steps aside to give meaning 
to gemini's dreaming
the moon on its back
and the seemingly
veiled room's lit
by the same star.

{ music } --- ---
{ book } Tuck Everlasting
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } silly

1 hollered back

Toby Lightman - Frightened 

Viewing lights under the surface 

And knowing I've found

Can't run away from, can't make it undone 

While reaching out for anything,

Screaming without a sound

How did I find you? 

How was I supposed to try?


I'm frightened by the love that's in you... 

But it's alright... 

And I'm frightened by the love that's in me... 

But I know it's alright... it's alright...


The only one who understands,

The only one who gave me 

Something to belong to, nothing left to undo 

With you everything is beautiful 

And I'm not scared to be 

Falling into unknown. 

With you, I find the strength to carry on


I'm frightened by the love that's in you... 

But it's alright... 

And I'm frightened by the love that's in me... 

But I know it's alright... it's alright...


I'm frightened by the love that's in you... 

But it's alright... 

Oh... and I... I'm frightened by the love that's in me... 

But I know it's alright... it's alright... 

(frightend by the love that's in you) 

It's alright... it's alright... 

(I'm frightened by the love that's in me) 

It's alright

say what?

Hale - The Day You Said Goodnight

Take me as you are, 
Push me off the road the sadness, 
I need this time to be with you 
I'm freezing in the sun; 
I'm burning in the rain 
The silence; 
I'm screaming, 
Calling out your name. 
And i do reside in your light 
Put out the fire with me and find 
Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles 
That's what i'll do if we say goodbye. 

To be is all i gotta be 
And all that i see 
And all that i need is time 
To me, the life you gave me 
The day you said goodnight. 

The calmness in your face 
That i see through the night 
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us 
You didn't ask me why 
I never would have known oblivion is falling down. 
And i do reside in your light 
Put out the fire with me and find 
Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles 
That's what i'll do if we say goodbye. 

To be is all i gotta be 
And all that i see 
And all that i need is time 
To me the life you gave me 
The day you said goodnight. 

If you could only know me like your prayers at night 
Then everything between you and me will be all 
Right. 

To be is all i gotta be 
And all that i see 
And all that i need is time 
To me the life you gave me 
The day you said goodnight. 

She's already taken, 
She's already taken 
She's already taken me 
She's already taken, 
She's already taken 
She's already taken me. 
The day you said goodnight 

{ music } --- ---
{ book } Tuck Everlasting
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } silly

say what?

I don't know my father. it' s been eight years since I met him but I still don't know the man.

I first met him in an arranged setting when I was just eight. I didn't really care. He said , don't believe when people tell you that you don't have a father. If given the chance that I wasn't shy that time I would've said, No one ever said that to me. If anyone will, I'll tell them that. That chance never came though. I didn't see the necessity of having a father until I met him. I couldn't care less. It didn't bother me that no one carried me on his arms, I had cousins who did that. It didn't bother me that I had no one to call Papa or Daddy. It didn't bother me that I don't have a man brushing his moustache as he kissed me. I don't understand myself but I never became jealous of little girls or boys my age who had a father. I don't know why.

After eight years, ambivalence still clings to me. I feel my father and I are in a business. He's the investor. I'm his investment. Our relationship is purely numbed transactions. I would have liked it more if he invested his feelings more than his money. There was no feelings involved though the contract is deeply rooted on emotions. It made me feel that he only wanted to know me because I was making good at school and most people notice it. I felt he really wasn't interested with me but with the honor I can offer his name. I have given him insurmountable profit yet I feel I have not received my due commission. Just last year, I finally became a Ceniza (I used to be Bautista), I fell on being Salutatorian. This could have made me feel good, that see what has your proud name brought me and what have I given you. Instead, I felt I failed him. I failed myself.  

On the day of graduation, I didn't expect him to be there. He never attended events out in the public. He usually stays at the back, way out of sight. I hated that. I hate him being ashamed of his sin. I hate him making me feel that I am shameful. But there he was carrying a videocam calming moving towards the stage in front of people who knew everything. I didn't feel anything. I wasn't happy about it. I was numbed by the fact that there were lots of chances for that, it is already too late. After the graduation, my english teacher approached me and said that he pitied my father for not having the chance of coming up the stage to share the honor. I didn't pity him. How many times have I told him, asked him to come to hang the medal even just for once but he never did. He let the opportunities go. He is not to be pitied, it was his own loss. I went down the stage head up high proud. Then I saw him, tears freely falling from his eyes. Was it love that I saw? He hugged me. I was speechless, ambivalent feelings and thoughts flowing in my mind. I was wishing it to last forever.

My father is treated as the worst kind of human being there is for people.

{ music } --- ---
{ book } To Kill A Mockingbird
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } pensive

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The Accounting of my Father

            My father and I share a lot of relationships; host and parasite, predator and prey but never as father and daughter. We are complete strangers to one another that all we can share are things devoid of any emotion. We are pretty much like stubborn robots.

            I spent the first eight years of my life without a father. I am an illegitimate child. My older cousins and I usually make fun of that fact. Out of the blue they would ask me where my father was. I would answer them most convincingly that he drowned in a cauldron of boiling stew. I didn’t know and care what it meant back then but it sure was funny.

            I first met my father in a restaurant—a planned meeting that made it more awkward. I forgot my first impression of him. I didn't really care. He asked me stupid questions that I barely answered because I kept on staring at the ground. He told me not to believe when people tell me that I don't have a father. If given that I wasn't shy that time I would've said that no one has ever said that to me. I was blessed with classmates who were polite enough to mind their own business. Truthfully, I didn't see the necessity of having a father until I met him. I couldn't care less. It didn't bother me that no one carried me on his shoulders. It didn't bother me that I had no one to call Papa or Daddy. It didn’t bother me that I didn’t have a father figure. It just didn’t.

            After a few years, I wished I never met him at all. He was very vile and chauvinistic. He was very fond of humiliating me in front of other people, like being illegit is not enough. He torments me because I’m too fat, too lazy, too useless. He wants a son so badly and feels daughters are not just good enough. He is so sadistic and tactless. My stepmom told me the reason for this was because he knows nothing of me and just wants me to feel a part of the family. Well, thanks for putting it that way. I couldn’t feel any better.

            My father and I are more like business partners than father and daughter. He is the investor. I am his investment. Our relationship is purely numbed transactions. I would have liked it better if he invested his feelings more than his money. Anyone in my position would. As a very expensive investment, I was expected to gain a great deal of profit. And gain I did. He held and showed me like a trophy that was never his. It made me feel that he only wanted to acknowledge me because I was making good at school and most people notice it. I felt he really wasn't interested with me but with the honor I can offer his name. I have given him insurmountable profit yet I feel I have not received my due commission. All I would have wanted was for him to show me that he was proud of me without showing me off. Just last year, I finally became a Ceniza (I used to be Bautista) but I fell on being Salutatorian. This could have made me feel good. My father was mocked by his own ambition and greed. Instead, I felt I failed him. I failed myself as his daughter. 

            On the day of my graduation, I didn't expect him to be there. He never attended school events out in the public. He usually stays at the back, way out of sight. I hated that. I hated him for being ashamed. I hated him for making me feel that I am a shame. But there he was, carrying a videocam calming moving towards the stage in front of people he hid from then. I wasn't happy about it. I was numbed by the fact that there were lots of opportunities for that that he didn’t take, it was already too late. After the graduation, my English teacher approached me and said that she pitied my father for not having the chance of coming up the stage to share the honor. I didn't pity him. How many times have I told him, asked him to come to hang the medal even just for once but he never did. He let the opportunities go. He is not to be pitied. It was his own loss. I went down the stage head up high, proud. Then I saw him, tears freely falling from his eyes. He hugged me. I was speechless. He never did that before especially in front of many people. It was a nice change. I wished it lasted forever.

            It didn’t. Now we’re back to the torment-me-forever period. Maybe, it’s his way of saying “I love you”. I don’t like it though. I’ll just bill him later for it.

{ music } Simple Plan
{ book } To Kill A Mockingbird
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } irate

2 hollered back

Remembering, that's the SIMO's theme this year. Good thing, gives me a brief look on what it's about and what's it for.

Well, SIMO stands for Social Involvement MOnth. It is carried through by the SACSI Office (Social Awareness and Community Service Involvement Office). It's a nice time. We have activities that are really nice naman. I'm looking forward to the Alt Klas Day on September 23rd and 24th. It's two days of no regular classes but you have to take alternative classes which includes anything from recreation to educational. I took two movies which are: "Hotel Rwanda" -- an advance for our English class and "Batman Begins" -- because I want to watch the movie. I also took "Being Gay" -- a forum cum seminar on the appreciation of gays. I didn't have a choice on that since the scheds don't fit in anymore and it's the only class I can be in to fill my three alt klases for that day.

KLaseng Ibang Klase -- KLIK talaga 'di ba?

{ music } --- ---
{ book } To Kill A Mockingbird
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } thoughtful

say what?

May pasok ba talaga tomorrow? Please inform me naman. Text me here: +639263573115.

I just finished reading "To Kill A Mockingbird". Nice pala talaga siya. Next book, I'm still thinking...

Well. may internet na kami sa bahay. Sa bahay namin sa Basilan. What a piss. Pero okay lang.

I was all alone last Friday sa bahay kasi 'di pa umuuwi Papa ko tapos black-out. I sang all the songs I know kahit grabe na ang bagyo. The truth is I was afraid, kaya yun. I spent the whole black-out period singing and talking to myself. As Susanna Kaysen said in "Girl,Interrupted", sometimes you have to be a little crazy to be sane or normal.

We had Namaste Palaro today. A sportsfest ng mga new scholars of our school.

It's hard to be an Atenean. You have to live up to the name, the quality. As far as I know, there are six Ateneo schools in the country, i.e. ADMU, ADNU, ADDU, ADIU, ADZU and ADCU or better known as Xavier University.

I still have another post about mortality rates. Later... 

{ music } MYMP
{ book } --- ---
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } working

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First Year High School

>> Rachel April Jalon -- It was every one, as in every classmate against her. We got over it somehow.

Second Year High School

>> Mon Angelo Paladero -- Kiguax. He didn't stand us so he transferred to Claret College of Isabela. He's is smart but a loner. We couldn't stand loners especially one who wears the same sodden socks all the time. Pardon...

Third Year High School

>> Miraculously, none. Winston Terence Gonzalo perhaps but the girls, i.e. The Aidolans were there for him when all the boys refused him because he liked the F4. Nothing bad naman 'di ba?

Fourth Year High School

>> Worst nightmare. Me. Lizette Ceniza is the one. Well, at least I belonged somehow. Hehehe...

First Year College

>> Bessy. I won't tell baka kasi she will read this blog. I started calling her Best Friend to Kerz but our other classmates shortened it to be more discreet. Are we?! She is a disease. I'm so mean but well the damage is done...

Siguro it's a part of life na din. What can we do?! As if... hmmm...

{ music } (Wake Me Up) When September Ends
{ book } One Hundred Years of Solitude
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } devious

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Hotel Rwanda

     It's a very moving movie. It deserves all the critical acclaim. Don Cheadle acted so well in this film. As my classmates said: "It's is an awakening!"

Batman Begins

     Nainis me sa Piracy, grabe!!! The movie was great anyway. A new Batman has emerged.

"In order to overcome fear, you must become fear."

"It's not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me."

Being Gay: The Art of Being Gay

{ music } --- ---
{ book } Sophie's World
{ show } --- ---
{ mood } stressed

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Zette Ceniza