Entries for February, 2007
I lost. And I feel like shit, suicidal even. Can you believe it?! Lizette, the person who detests people who whine and muddle themselves into suicide just because of some petty reason is actually turning just like THEM. I really need to get a grip of myself. I'm scared of the things I could do. I have limitless possibilities. We all do. BUT I'm a coward; it's an ironic consolation, isn't it?
{ music } Don't Say You Love Me
{ book } The Bonesetter's Daughter
{ mood } gloomy
There are a lot of people who took their own lives just because they weren't given the thing they want. There's a girl who hanged herself just because she wasn't given a cellphone. Another girl I know left home just because she wasn't given money to buy new clothes for some occasion I already forgot. I used to think they were so petty and absurd but not anymore.
My Dad refused me again and I found myself in the shoes of those girls. Yes, maybe we're unrealistic but is there something wrong with wanting something that you know would make you happy?! I desperately want to be happy. I've been lonely for so long.
So I've been thinking of suicide. Don't worry I'm not dead yet. I'm just contemplating. I thought of how would I die if I were given a choice. Some of my ideas were to jump of a cliff (Does Zamboanga have a cliff? Where?); to overdose myself in pills (This is so used!); to hang myself (It's an ugly sight!); and to drown myself (I think this is a good one.) I also thought of the note or letter I will leave before I'll kill myself. I don't know exactly what to write but I'm pretty sure it will contain this line: "Clariz, I'm not pregnant." This made me laugh.
When I'll die, I'll make sure first that I will die happy. My life has been a struggle to be happy. Mom, why did you leave me?! Why didn't you take me with you? Please take me away. Please...
{ music } This Is How You Remind Me
{ book } The Bonesetter's Daughter
{ mood } suicidal
I must admit I got shocked when I saw this. Well, he can't be Harry forever. Got it from abc.com.
{ music } You're A God
{ book } Equus News
{ mood } shocked
My dad and I went to lunch together. I met up with him at LandBank to get provisions and we went off to Auto Grill. We talked of things like my proposed cross-enrollment to the University of San Carlos for the summer, my overdue Accounting 230 grades and house matters. But we never bridged the subject of the Mgt Tour. Deranged, huh?! That's just how we are when we're together, me and my dad. Our sense of communication is miniscule and a bit superfluous. I'm still hoping that he'll reconsider. If the USC plan pushes through, I think there's no stopping me from going to the Mgt Tour anymore though. HAHA
{ book } The Secret Supper
{ mood } hopeful
I learned yesterday that I can't cross-enroll on my major subjects except at Xavier University (Ateneo de Cagayan) or Ateneo de Davao University which are my school's sister universities. I'll call their respective admission offices today to check if their offering my back subjects which are Financial Accounting Part 2 and Advance Accounting Part 1. Then, if everything goes well, I'll call my Dad and if he agrees then I'll request for the cross-enrollment. So much to be a regular student again.
{ book } The Secret Supper
{ mood } scared
And the week ends. I've got to do the laundry and clean the house tomorrow. Good thing the NAMASTE Training was postponed next weekend or else I'm swamped. Doomed, if I may say without any clean uniform to wear the following week. XU doesn't offer the subjects I need during the summer. Sad to say, I can't stay with Nouriza then, hmph! I'm now enjoying an advantage of blogging. aNewFlora just said she can help me with AdDU. At least, it's a step. Thank you!
There's nothing much this weekend. Our Accounting 230 teacher just met us once (twice if he meets us today) this week and that was to give us an exam which doesn't count for much.
We had our ASG Elections today, too. Looking forward to a better year ahead.
Animo-Magis-Cura Personalis
A T E N E O
{ book } The Wedding
{ mood } sore
ADZoo, Fetish | 2 hollered back
I've been thinking of a dialogue that's been running through my mind since yestereve. But I can't write it. I need a Legimens if you know what I mean. I just can't type as fast as I think. It sucks! I'm in dire need of a recorder. I do have one but I can't focus with knowing that I'm recording it. I need a Thorazine drip!
I watched "In Her SHOES" last night and I loved it. It's not just a cheesy chick flick as one may assume.
I can't wait until July 21st. What's with the date? Honestly, should you be asking that question? It's the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the last book in the Harry Potter series. I asked Nouriza to buy me a copy since she's the only one who has quick access to a decent bookstore. I had this idea about Book 7 that scared and excited me if ever it will indeed happen. "What if Harry Potter himself is a Horcrux? It's possible that when Voldemort tried to kill Harry he transferred a part of his soul to Harry, right? Then this means that Harry has to kill himself too in order to kill Voldemort." What do you think? Speaking of books, Ton, are you done with "The Woman Who Had Two Navels" yet?
It's two days until V-Day. What to do... What to do... hmmm... I'll think about it next time.
{ music } How To Save A Life
{ book } The Kitchen God's Wife
{ mood } drugged
Valentines has come and gone. What did I do yesterday, you may ask? Well, I went home carrying a gallon-and-a-half of distilled water and a rice-in-a-box instead of a bouquet of roses and a dinner date.
I can't help feeling nostalgic yesterday. I was even "kinikilig" over things that happened like ten years ago. Maybe, it's because it's only now that I've come to realize what they really were. What does a nine-year-old girl feel when he's given a DIY Valentines card by a boy who has a crush on her?! Nothing really. Innocence is a disadvantage on that part. I could have flirted back, kissed him even. HAHA What was I thinking?! I was nine years old. I cared more for Sailor Moon and the Power Rangers then. He did, too. But he still gave me a card. I wish I have kept the card. It would have been a lovely memorabilia.
I'm nineteen but I have yet to feel what it's like to love and be loved in romantic terms. In Fr. Yatco's words, I have yet to be mushy because of someone. I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait to get my heart broken. HEHE
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
e. e. cummings
{ book } 20 Questions & Pygmalion
{ show } Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
{ mood } silly
Ai-Love-Amor | 2 hollered back
I finally got to change my layout. I've been wanting to change my layout for like ages. Thanks to up4grabs for the template and for the helpful things on her blog. At least now I know how to edit htmls which gave me headaches when I saw them then. Well, not anymore.
{ mood } new
Another school week is starting. Grrr...
I just realized that we're having the annual Ateneo PEiesta on the 26th. And since 26th is Dia de Zamboanga and it's supposedly a holiday, we're not having a holiday! Bummer!
I just saw a post on the bulletin about Honors in Graduation. I can't help feel low. If only I didn't retake my majors, I could earn Cum Laude. Sayang! I did meet the grade requirement but didn't meet college cut-off. *sob
I just felt sad all of a sudden.
Most of my classmates (in WMSU, etc.) say that their classmates from other high schools don't really match-up in terms of know-how even though they come from Regional Science High School or other goods schools in the city. I wish I could say the same. If there is one course where most of the students are exceptional, it would have to be Accountancy. My classmates are really smart. Maybe, that's the reason why most Accounting students are called nerds. To survive Accountancy, you must be really diligent in studying, good in analysis, adept in arithmetic and algebra and focused to combat hard work and sleepless nights. At times, you may think you already got the concept but then when exam comes, you lose it. But if you get it right, there's no greater feeling. It's hard to explain the feeling after you double-ruled the total and balanced all the statements. Elated? Maybe even more.
To sum up how hard it can be for us Accounting students, here is an anecdote:
a student died and was asked by an angel:
"what course did you take up in college?"
the student answered:
"accountancy poh!"
Angel: "you may enter heaven..."
"...you have suffered enough."
{ book } Tuesdays with Morrie
{ mood } nerdy
It's Miercoles de Ceniza once again.
I went to school early to have mass at the chapel. Incidentally, Marion was there too. After mass, we had breakfast together. We talked about stuff like: how the PEiesta interfered with the holiday and ruined our wish to watch the Oscars live; how (rich) Pinoys spend their money; Chopard watches, Havaianas, Tribu, iPod, Likas Papaya Soaps, Lucky Me Noodles, etc.; Hannibal Lecter and Hannibal Rising; our shared opinion that "The Promise" and all Richard Gutierrez-Angel Locsin movies are so not worth watching; Warner Brother's reaction to Daniel Radcliffe's role in Equus; Religious Studies' Learn, Love and Live the Mass; and Marion's forced introduction to friendster and blogging. We talked about all that (and more) for less that an hour because I still have RS with Fr. Yatco and have yet to read the damn chapter for graded recitation.
We have a two-hour break during Wednesdays and Fridays before Economics so Gen and I went to the library. We shared life stories once again. I never talked openly about how I feel about personal things to anyone until I met Gen. Maybe, it's because I feel she understands me and that I trust her. I love to hear Gen's stories. [luna lovegood mode] It's like having friends (a best friend).
Sad to say that I never felt as comfortable with Reyner. [deranged mode] So I shout out, no more tags! No more brands! Reyn, we're now free. No more best-friendship between us. Let's get real. But still, friends forever!
Last night was a nightmare. And I don't want to relive it. So I'll end it here.
{ music } Someday-Nina
{ book } Wind, Sand and Stars-Antoine de Saint-Exupery
{ mood } th tension of opposites
Since I felt really sunk yesterday, I bought a book just to make me feel a little better. It's "The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy. It won a Booker Prize and I have yet learned of any Booker-prize winner to dissapoint so I chose it among several Paulo Coelho's and Garcia-Marquez's. Besides, I feel that my brain is not yet rady to accomodate a Gabriel Garcia-Marquez. I'll just wind up with a migraine. Anyways, I started reading it rightaway and I found it a bit a vocabulary frenzy. It's just the first few pages and I can't wait to continue. I have several books in my wish list and here they are.
Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses and Midnight's Children; Gabriel Garcia-Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude, Love in the Time of Cholera and Whores; Chuck Palahniuk's Invisible Monsters; J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye; Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes, The Zahir and The Alchemist; Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita; Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird; J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; Jessica Zafra's Twisted series; and a lot more (Murakami, Dostoevsky, Mishima 
).
That makes me feel so much better. Some of the books I mentioned, I've already read and have electronic book copies but I still want the real thing--pages and all. I just can't wait to get my hands on them.
{ music } Pare Ko
{ book } The God of Small Things
{ mood } better
The dogs chewed on my PEiesta shirt which I'm supposed to use on Monday yet. I don't know how they got. I was so furious that if only I had a gun I would've shot them in the instant. I know they're just dogs but I couldn't fathom their stupidity (moron! imbecile!). Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. It's just that it made me rethink of the weight of pedigree/breeding. German Shepherds won't bother chewing on a piece of cloth, would they? Nor will Doberman Pinschers. I feed them and this is what I get. Ungrateful SOB! Ungrateful bitch! If they'll do it again, I swear I'll feed them Racumin.
{ book } The God of Small Things
{ mood } angry
I'm not going to the Mgt Tour. It's hard to say it with certain finality but there I said it (wrote it).
We always go on a vacation every two years. And this year is that year. My Dad is planning a cross-country roadtrip to CDO-Davao-CDO-Cebu since we already have a decent car--an SUV that was my cousin's (Kuya Rommel) before. The roadtrip is one of the reasons I'm not going to the Tour. I'm dreading it. I can't imagine myself on a 14-hour drive. I'm puke-prone especially on land, not much at sea or air. There's also a chance we'll drop by Dakak. I don't care I've been there. I'm quite well-traveled. I've been to (get ready for this): Cebu, Bohol, Ormoc, Camiguin, Cagayan de Oro, Baguio, Laguna, Tagaytay, Boracay, Manila, Iloilo, Bacolod, Siquijor, Dapitan, Dipolog, Negros. The first time I traveled alone (without an adult) was the summer of 2003, a flight from Manila to Iloilo. It's not that I don't enjoy myself when I travel with the family, it's just that traveling with friends especially new ones is an opportunity I wouldn't want to miss.
Well, you win some, you lose some. I want some Juju, Googly-eyes!
{ book } The God of small Things
{ show } Spring Waltz EP 1
{ mood } nauseated
I don't like reunions.
Because it makes me remember what used to be. Because it makes me realize how far apart we have become.
There's no more we, no more us. There's only I, only you.
Soon, we will forget. Someday, "Do I know you?'s" are more frequent than "How do you do?'s".
We won't have BNHS. You won't even have Paris.
What has become of us? We have fallen apart and you don't even realize it.
Memories don't last forever. Remembering isn't even enough. Is here and now the only thing that matters? What about what we used to have? What about us?
It seems that sooner or later we will lose each other. Hopefully not. No, I don't want.
{ book } The God of Small Things
{ mood } si Che kasi, yan tuloy!
Ai-Love-Amor | 1 hollered back